"Your daughter is doing WHAT?!"

I work in a career where traveling, living, and studying abroad is not just commonplace, it is expected. To my colleagues and the international students I work with at the university level, studying abroad as a young person is a reasonable and good choice.

That's why I am never quite sure how to respond when I get shocked reactions from acquaintances when I tell them where my daughter is this year. It usually goes something like this:

Acquaintance: "So, how is everyone?"
Me: "Great. My daughter is in Germany this year, and she just loves it."
Acquaintance: "A class trip . . . ?"
Me: "No. She is living and going to school there for her junior year."
Acquaintance: "What?! ____________________"

There are some options on the last line.  One option is, "don't you miss her?" Another option is, "Don't you worry about her?" There are a lot of questions about who she lives with, what she is doing there, and how this fits into her schooling. Then the conversation usually ends with, "I could never let my child do that."

I'm not sure what they are implying when they say that - - that I don't love my daughter as much as they love their child? that I'm somehow being careless with her well-being, health, or safety?

I have generally found the best response to be, "well, she is happy."

I had a pleasant surprise one day at work when I met a new student in a graduate program who shared that her second language was German. I was completely unprepared for her response when I told her that my 17-year-old daughter was in Germany; she said, "mine is in Austria." It was great to have another mother who understood what it is like to have a teenager studying abroad. I highly recommend having someone else who has been through this adventure and who you can talk to! It's great to get feedback and ideas about what works or doesn't work, and to have someone who understands what you are feeling.

Traveling while studying abroad

The organization that my daughter is studying through, Youth For Understanding (YFU), makes it very clear that a high school exchange experience should not be viewed as an extended tourist opportunity. Your child is studying abroad to learn a new culture and be part of a family. It is easy to find blogs from previous students who talk about the constant travel they did with their host families. However, your child should not go into this experience with the expectation that the host family will be playing tourist with them each weekend and during each break. They might; they might not.

YFU will sponsor a week-long, mid-trip orientation for all YFU students. If your child is a CBYX scholarship winner, there will be another trip toward the spring to Berlin. YFU or CBYX will pay for these trips. They are really the only additional trips your child is guaranteed. YFU will offer a variety of cultural trips for a cost. My daughter has not opted to participate in any of these trips because she feels they are out of her budget and she doesn't want to miss the amount of school they would require.

Additionally, YFU makes it (not unreasonably) difficult for your child to do any independent traveling. We (the natural parents) had to sign off on what kind of travel we were comfortable with our daughter doing. Then, your child has to be invited by an adult to wherever he/she wants to go. Once your child has an itinerary, the host family has to agree to the plan, and your child has to submit their travel plan to the local YFU representative for approval. It takes quite a bit of advance planning and organization on the part of your child.

With all that being said, it is possible for your child to travel independently if the perfect opportunity arises. My daughter's high school German class was going to be in Munich over her fall break, and she wanted to go see them. She followed all the steps required by YFU and received permission to go to Munich by train on a Friday night. She stayed with a friend of her YFU representative for sleeping, hung out with her high school friends on Saturday, toured Neuschwanstein Castle on Sunday, got back on the train, and was home by Monday morning. She was tired but thrilled with her experience and proud that she had managed all that on her own. It was a great learning experience for her.

The most important phrase to learn

As a parent, you are probably thinking that the most important phrase your child should absolutely know before leaving is something like "please" or maybe "do you speak English?" or "where is the bathroom?" I would argue that those are good phrases for tourists to learn, but that they are not the most important for an exchange student living with a host family. Before I tell you the phrase I think is most critical, I will share two stories that form the basis of my opinion.

My first story is from my experience in Peru as a 17-year-old. On the second day I was with my host family, I came down before dinner and saw that the table was not set even though the plates, cups, and silverware were out on the counter top. Wanting to be helpful, I set the table as I would have if I had been with my American family. My host mother patiently took everything off the table and served each person individually from the stove.

Fast forward 25 years - - On one of my daughter's first days with her permanent host family, she went to the kitchen before dinner. She wasn't sure what needed to be done, so she thought she would watch for a minute to figure out what she could do. Her host mom became upset because she felt that my daughter was waiting to be served.

On the surface, these two situations seem different - - I did the wrong thing, and my daughter didn't do anything. However, what they have in common is that they both could have been avoided by our asking, "how can I help?" In the interest of fitting in with the host family, I highly recommend your child learn this phrase before leaving.

Language learning: proficient . . . or not

I was an adventurous teenager. Compared to my peers in small-town Wisconsin in the late 1980's, I was downright trailblazing. I lived for a summer in Peru at the age of 17, and I studied abroad for a semester in Spain at the age of 20 (finishing up the experience by backpacking across 7 countries in Europe before going home).

Do you notice what these two experiences have in common? Both of these countries that I lived in are primarily Spanish-speaking countries. Not coincidentally, Spanish is the one language I had studied in high school and college. I'm not sure I would have been brave enough to live for a year in any country where I hadn't previously had some exposure to the language.

Today, programs that travel to Spanish-speaking countries are extremely popular because Spanish is still the #1 second language studied in the USA. Everyone wants to go to a Spanish-speaking country. We were warned by the Rotary Youth Exchange that getting a placement in a Spanish-speaking country is difficult since it is highly competitive. If your child is considering traveling with YFU or another organization, they are almost assured a spot but the scholarship options are not as attractive. If your child really wants to go abroad and needs a scholarship, he/she may need to consider a less "popular" country and learn the language from the beginning.

I have huge amounts of respect for the teenagers who go to a country with a language they have never studied before. We spoke to one young lady who had been to Bulgaria for a year. She lived with a family and went to school . . . all in Bulgarian. She had never studied Bulgarian before. We were told over and over by students, "It was easy! People are so nice and patient. Don't worry; you will be speaking the language by Christmas."

I think memories of the first difficult months get fuzzy once students return home. My daughter had studied German for 3 years in high school, and she struggled in the beginning with the language. Native speakers speak more quickly, and the vocabulary is much more extensive, than in the typical American foreign language classroom.

In retrospect, I think we could have prepared her more for the language barrier as there are some options, ranging from free to expensive, that could have given her a more realistic expectation of the language demands.

$ Free options for learning another language

Your child can use the internet. For beginners, Duolingo is one website that has lessons in 21 different languages. For students who have had a few years of language instruction in an American classroom, I recommend looking for TV shows or videos posted on Youtube in the target language. Watching these videos will give them a more realistic idea of what to expect.

$$ Inexpensive options for learning another language

Babbel is a website that offers free introductory lessons and then charges for full access to the course. Online reviews for Babbel are not good as many reviewers claimed that the introductory lesson was great, but the content they paid for was just glorified flashcards. The Rosetta Stone is another online resource that offers free introductory lessons in 30 language and then the opportunity to purchase full access to the course. YFU offered a special price on a Rosetta Stone package to their students in the months before they left. Reviews on Rosetta stone are mixed. Some people felt like they learned a lot; some students went through the whole course and felt like they learned how to use the Rosetta Stone - - not another language.

$$ More expensive options for learning another language

The one option that I wish we had taken advantage of is the Concordia Language Villages (CLV) near Bemidji, Minnesota. They provide full immersion summer camp sessions in 15 different languages. CLV have been doing language immersion since 1961 and have hosted the children of many famous people (Chelsea Clinton for example). Staff are fluent in the target language and trained to work with beginning campers all the way to fluent campers. Campers come from all over the USA, so staff can assist you with transportation to Bemidji (whether by plane, bus, or car). Scholarships exist; some language scholarships are more competitive than others. I think if my daughter had attended one week at the German CLV, her confidence in her language proficiency would have been more grounded in reality.

Cultural adjustment stage #4 (and #5?)

When I studied about cultural adjustment, I had always learned that there were five stages: honeymoon, hostility, humor, #4, and home. Twenty years later, I wish I could recall what that fourth stage was labeled because it no longer shows up in most information about cultural adjustment. Now, most resources list the fourth stage as "home," or "adaptation and biculturalism."

With only four stages of cultural adjustment, the progression looks like this:

The final stage is one of adaptation or mastery, where the new culture feels like "home." Your child can see and accept the good and bad of the new culture, feels comfortable functioning on a daily basis, and has a deeper understanding of the people and culture. The time it takes to move to each level depends on the person and other circumstances, but each stage is generally experienced by students studying abroad regardless of the length of time they are there (assuming it is more than a few week "tour"). I went through all of these stages in 6 weeks in Peru as a 17-year-old and then again as a 20-year-old in Spain for 5 months. Of course, the "mastery" looked a little different in Peru than it did in Spain, but I remember experiencing all of those stages.

When you consider the possibility of 5 stages, the progression looks like this:

Notice that second dip down? After feeling the adjustment and confidence of the 3rd stage, some students are taken by surprise when they experience the frustration of another "mini-culture shock." If this is your child, you might be thinking, "here we go again. I thought she was all adjusted!" It would not be unusual for this stage to hit after the holidays (or during the holidays if your child is in a country that doesn't celebrate during that time). About mid-trip, your child might feel that the experience is getting long, that the return home seems far off in the future, and that deeper cultural understanding is hard.

The answer to this stage is not for you to get on a plane and fly over there! The answer is the same as the first level of culture shock. Encourage your child to keep interacting, get/stay involved, get enough sleep, eat well, and communicate with his/her host family. Eventually, your child will experience that final stage of "home."

Cultural adjustment stage #3 and host family #3

The third stage of cultural adjustment is often referred to as the "adjustment" stage. Some sources call it the "humor" stage. This is when your child begins to feel competent in the new culture; he/she begins to see the humor in situations and begins to understand the logic of the new culture.

While not as much fun as the first "honeymoon" stage, it is much less intense and much more realistic. I felt like my daughter was living in Germany now instead of just playing tourist. She had settled in with a host family that she could relate to and ask questions of. She was still struggling with the language, but she felt hope that she would get it eventually.

There are still ups and downs during this stage, but they are usually not so intense. It is a time when your child can actually begin to assimilate new ideas and test old ones. This stage is the stage that tourists rarely get to. Your child is becoming a true global citizen.

Switching host families

Before my daughter left, I can remember thinking, "I just hope she gets a host family who she gets along with. Switching host families would be awful." Well, her first permanent host family was not a good placement. They didn't get a along, and she did have to switch. . . and everyone survived.

How do you know when your child should switch host families?

This question is difficult to answer because, of course,  some awkwardness during the initial adjustment period is to be expected, and that certainly is no reason to request a new host family. During the YFU orientation, the students were told to try to work issues out with their host families by communicating. If that did not work, they should call their area YFU representative and ask for help. Under no circumstances should they just move out and go live with a friend (or so they were told).

I don't 100% agree with that advice. If my child felt she were in danger, I would advise her to walk out of the house with her passport, some money, and her phone and go directly to a friend or neighbor's house. Thankfully, being in physical danger is not generally the reason your child would need a new host family.

Usually, it is something that happens gradually. The uncomfortable feeling doesn't go away after the first few weeks. There is palpable tension. Maybe words are exchanged. If the local YFU representative was called in, and the problems are still there, it is quite likely that the host family is going to initiate the change. If they do not, your child should continue to communicate with the YFU representative, including his/her desire to switch host families.

Is there anything the American parents can do during this time?

I won't lie - -this is a rough stage to get your child through. My daughter called on Skype in tears. She said she was going to have to move. Since she had mentioned this fear several times, I asked her why she thought it was true this time. She said that her host dad had told her that they had already called YFU and requested that she be switched.

As an aside -- during this whole process, YFU never once contacted my daughter or us. We had no idea what was going on - - Were they going to switch her? Would they try to find a family in the same area? What was the timeline? Her local representative was on vacation at the time, but (in my mind, at least) that was no reason to leave a 17-year-old in the dark about what was happening.

During the Skype call, I used the 1-800 number of the YFU American parent representative to try to get some details and also to ask if she could recruit her own host family from among her friends. She loved her German school, had met several nice friends, and had joined some clubs. She really wanted to stay in the area. The parent representative said that my daughter could recruit a new host family, but that YFU would make the final decision. Within a short time, she had 2 families volunteer; YFU chose one. They allowed her to "spend the night" with the new host family until the paperwork went through, which eliminated some of the awkwardness of remaining in the house with the first host family.

My daughter has had several friends from her original orientation group who needed to switch host families. Each experience was very different. The most recent one recruited 4 families willing to take her, but the original host family wanted her out of the region, so she was not allowed to stay.

It's easy to find glowing reports of exchange students who were treated like family the minute they stepped in the door of their new home. You and your child should acknowledge that it doesn't always happen that way. If you don't think your child can handle the above scenarios, you should reconsider whether your child is ready for a long independent experience abroad.

In conclusion, it was not all bad. My daughter said to me, "I never realized how reasonable you and dad are." Frankly, I never expected to hear those words from my teenage daughter. Also, she still loved Germany and being in Germany. There was never a point where she said, "just let me come home!"

Cultural adjustment stage #2 and host family #2

My daughter took the train from Bremen to her permanent placement, and her new host family met her at the train station.

It is unfortunate that the timing of her arrival with her permanent host family coincided with the second cultural adjustment stage: culture shock (also referred to as "hostility"). This stage is when the person tends to focus on the differences and problems in the new culture. Her new host family did not speak much English, and (for a variety of reasons) my daughter had a hard time adjusting to her new family.

I will not go into the details because I only know my daughter's side of the story, and it would not be fair to her host family. After a month, by mutual agreement, my daughter moved to host family #3.

As a parent, stage 2 is difficult to watch your child go through (not nearly as much fun as stage 1!). In my daughter's case, it was even worse because of the host family situation. You need to be supportive of your child, but talking with him/her every day is not a good solution to getting through this stage. Princeton has compiled some excellent strategies for coping with culture shock (on the second page). You should be encouraging your child to get out of his/her room, interact with the host family, join a club, get exercise, find the humor in the situation, get enough sleep, and eat well. I remember telling my daughter to go to sleep and that everything would be better in the morning, and it was.

Supporting your child through the transition to a new host family is something different altogether. . .

Cultural adjustment stage #1 and host family #1

My daughter's language camp/orientation was in Bremen, Germany, with 9 other YFU students of similar German proficiency. Each student lived with a different host family in the Bremen area. They attended German classes together and went on a variety of outings designed to increase their confidence with the German language and their awareness of German culture.

This time period coincided with the typical first stage of cultural adjustment: the honeymoon period. She loved everything about her time in Bremen. She loved Germany, her host family, the food, the other YFU students, the German students, school lunches, her classes, the outings, biking to school, the toothbrushes, the beds, and the independence. We definitely got the impression that "everything is better in Germany." She talked about never coming home.

We did know who her temporary host family was before she left for Germany, and we had Skyped with them before she left. They both spoke English very well and had lived in America some years ago. One of their children had been born here. They made Rachel feel at home and provided an excellent transition to her time in Germany.

As the American parent at home, you should relax and enjoy this time. Don't worry if your child is not calling or writing often. That is probably a good thing. After language camp and orientation (about 3 weeks), the students moved to their permanent placements all over Germany.

The second stage of cultural adjustment was looming . . .