My final thoughts

The date today is July 5, and my daughter was supposed to be returning home in two days. If you have read the last few posts, you know that she came home almost three months early due to sickness. Certainly, my view of high school study abroad has changed dramatically over the last year, and I am going to end this blog with my final thoughts.

A year is a long time to send a teenager to another country to live with another family. I have asked myself multiple times, "would I still send my daughter knowing what I now know?" and the answers have been different depending on the day. The experience was good - in fact, life-changing - for her, but so many obstacles that could have been avoided were thrown at her.

Your child's experience will pivot on the quality of and fit with his/her host family. Therefore, you want to do everything possible to ensure that your child gets a host family that is able to support him/her during the entire experience, even if the unthinkable (like serious sickness) happens.  I would encourage you to find a program that has reasonable expectations for their hosting families. A year is a long time to have a teenager from another country in their home. Look for a program, such as Rotary Youth Exchange, that provides several host families over the course of the year. It may be hard to switch families, but each family is more likely to do a better job with your child if they know it is a shorter commitment. Another option is a true exchange, such as the Sister Cities or States exchanges. Families have a direct, one-to-one exchange, with your child staying with a family whose child will also come to stay with you. In my opinion, families in this situation are more invested in supporting your child because they know their child will be on the receiving end at some point. If neither of these options appeal to your child, consider a semester-long option. My daughter was psychologically ready to be gone a year, but a semester would have been much more reasonable given that so much is out of your control.

I would also encourage you to ask about the preparation students receive before going abroad. Youth For Understanding's (YFU) pre-departure orientation was minimal, of questionable quality, and often optional (like the pre-departure orientation in Chicago). Orientation needs to be standardized and required, so that each student gets the same information no matter the quality of their local volunteers. AFS does online orientation and in-person orientation in departure cities in the few days before leaving the USA. I would also ask about the preparation that host families receive. I want to know that families have a good idea of what they are signing up for.

If you cannot find an option that meets all your criteria, consider waiting until your child is in college. Study abroad options (and scholarships) abound in college, and your child does not have to be dependent on a host family.

High school study abroad programs advertise their success stories, but you should be aware that the success stories do not always match the experience your child will have. Programs will tell your child not to have expectations about what his/her experience will be like. I think you can stack the odds in your child's favor by carefully selecting the program your child travels with.

Health Insurance

Recipients of the Congress-Bundestag Youth Exchange scholarship were provided with health insurance through Hanse-Merkur the year my daughter stayed in Germany. An insurance information packet was sent to us about a month before she left. The packet was in German and English and about as easy to read as most insurance policies. What was generally clear to us is that emergency health care was available to our daughter during her trip, but that care for pre-existing conditions and routine/preventative care were not covered.

We also called our local health insurance company to see what coverage was provided through that policy. My understanding is that every company is different about providing coverage while abroad, so you should definitely call and ask. Our company would provide emergency coverage only. We would have to submit the bills, translated into English and converted to dollars in order to file a claim.

Prior to the flare of her Crohn's disease that sent her home, my daughter had seen a German doctor for an unrelated issue. She was expected to pay the doctor bill and then had to submit her claim for reimbursement to Hanse-Merkur.

The Crohn's flare was a different matter entirely. It involved two doctor's visits, medication, and 3 nights in a hospital. Because this incident could be blamed on a pre-existing condition, responsibility for paying the bill was unclear. About two months after her return home, a representative from YFU USA contacted us and asked what we wanted to do about the medical bills. They had been sent to her host family, who had forwarded them to YFU Germany. Hanse-Merkur wanted more information as they felt they were not required to cover these bills as part of a pre-existing condition. We did file a request for them to pay the bills since my daughter had been in remission for years before living in Germany. After waiting about one month, we received the news that Hanse-Merkur agreed to pay.

We learned a couple of important things during this process that may be useful if your child finds himself/herself in a similar situation.

1. Save all medical paperwork. Our daughter saved every piece of paper that was handed to her in the hospital or doctors' offices, and we needed every single one when we filed the request.
2. Your YFU rep in the national office will be your main (only) source of information. This person is the one who can provide translations of documents and explain procedures. Answer that person's emails.
3. Submit the request, even if you don't think they will pay.
4. Hospital stays in Germany are not nearly as expensive as they are in the USA. If your request for payment is denied, you will need to pay YFU USA (who will pay YFU Germany, who will pay the creditors) and then submit your bills to your health insurance (YFU USA said they would provide translated and converted documents if needed). We were anticipating over $10,000, but when we finally saw a total, it was slightly less than 3000 Euros (about $3,300 at the time).  

I sincerely hope that you never find yourself in this situation. However, it is better to be forewarned and prepared in case you do. Also, it is reassuring that YFU USA will help you out to the best of their ability. The answers may not come quickly, but they will work with you to resolve the issues.

Managing a chronic illness while studying abroad

In all honesty, I don't feel like the best person to address this topic since my daughter's Crohn's disease was not well-managed while she was in Germany. However, I can tell you what I wish we had done in the hopes of helping other students with a chronic disease who want to study abroad.

In the medical forms that need to be filled out as part of the application process, you will have to disclose any pre-existing medical conditions. A YFU representative contacted us before a host family was assigned to ask what special accommodations my daughter needed. We talked a bit about how she managed her disease at home (which was minimal), and we decided that she didn't need anything that the typical host family couldn't provide. My thought was, "it's Germany. They have doctors there, too."

I really wish I could go back and re-do that conversation. If I could, here is what I would say:

"She needs an experienced host family."

As many chronic illnesses are exacerbated by stress and change, a host family familiar with and able to mitigate the stress an exchange student faces would have helped a lot. Having to change host families after a month got her off to a shaky start. A host family who could recognize and deal with culture shock (as opposed to recognizing something "different" that might indicate a health issue) would have helped.

"She needs to live in a city with easy access to a specialist."

My daughter was living in a rural area, and when she became really sick, getting her to the specialist was unrealistic for her host family. If she could have easily gotten to the doctor, she would have felt like less of a burden.

"She needs a host family who understands a healthy lifestyle for someone with a chronic condition."

This includes knowing what a "bland" diet is (evidently difficult for many Germans to understand), exercising regularly (if appropriate for your child), and getting enough sleep. Many Germans (and indeed most Europeans) stay awake (in my opinion!) unreasonably LATE. Getting more regular sleep would have helped my daughter a lot. ( . . . and you telling them that by Skype tends not to be very effective.)

Being an exchange student is stressful, and removing the stress completely is impossible. However, we could have done more to ensure that she was adequately supported during the stressful times. I would also consider asking for a school placement where your child will have the opportunity to take many classes in English (unless your child is completely fluent in the language of the host country). A placement in an English speaking high school will not do much to help his/her language skills, but the stress would be lower, and that may mean the difference between successfully completing the exchange year and having to come home early.

Coming home. . . early

You may notice the large gap between this post and the last. There is a reason. The main purpose of this post is not to scare you with the possibility of your child returning home for medical reasons but rather to let you know what happens when it has to happen. We, as parents, all hope and pray that this situation does not happen to our kids, but I think the possibility lurks at the back of our minds at all times.

My daughter was diagnosed with Crohn's disease as an 11-year-old. It was very mild, and she was in remission for a long time. Because she had never had the typical Crohn's symptoms, we all missed the early warning signs of what was happening. The various stresses of being an exchange student caught up with her about mid-March. She was on her mid-trip seminar in Dresden when she began vomiting uncontrollably and had to be hospitalized.

She was surrounded by YFU staff at the seminar, so it was the best possible situation. They took her to the emergency room, helped her fill her prescription, and then sent someone with her to the hospital when it became obvious the medication was not working. A YFU staff person stayed with my daughter for the majority of her hospital stay, where they were able to get her symptoms under control.

We were on vacation during this time and were not checking emails. We had left phone numbers for emergencies, and YFU had these numbers. However, we were never contacted. We do not know if this was YFU's fault or the hotel we were at. We returned home to several messages from our daughter to call her immediately.

After her hospital stay, she was sent home to her host family by bus. She was comfortable doing that by herself. Her host family wanted her to leave Germany immediately, but we asked that they wait until she had a follow-up doctor's appointment and some time to recover before getting on an international flight. The doctor officially recommended that she return home and wrote a letter documenting his decision. Once this decision was relayed to YFU, they asked us (her natural parents) and my daughter to write a letter communicating her wish and our approval to return home. Once they received this documentation, they looked for flights leaving within 2 days. Both families (host and natural) had to approve the flights home, and they were booked.

She was already booked to return to Chicago's O'Hare airport on July 7. YFU made all the travel arrangements, including buying an additional ticket from O'Hare to our nearest airport in Minneapolis. We had hoped to go to Chicago to meet her and pick her up, but there were no reasonable flights at such late notice, and driving down (12 hours round trip) to get her did not seem like a viable option. Having YFU book this additional flight meant that her luggage was checked all the way to Minneapolis (she still had to pick it up and go through customs in Chicago, but she did not have to pay for luggage on an additional flight). We reimbursed YFU $200 for the flight from O'Hare to Minneapolis, which was cheaper than anything we were able to find.

She arrived home safe and (mostly) sound. Even now (a week later), she feels her decision was the best decision for her to have made. YFU offered to find her another host family able to deal with her medical situation, but she was too tired and sick to feel like she could make that option work. Sometimes, you just need to go home.

Blogging while abroad

When I went abroad in high school, I kept a journal, written in pen on paper. Twenty-six years later, most high school students will opt for the digital version of recording their experiences. While posting on Facebook is a less popular option for high schoolers these days, keeping a blog is actively encouraged by the different high school study abroad programs. Most programs have a webpage with links to students who are currently blogging about their experiences. Check out the YFU, AFS, and CIEE webpages with blog links.

Why blog while abroad?

The benefits of blogging while abroad are numerous. Besides posting pictures and efficiently sharing their experiences with family and friends, students have an online account of what they are doing. All of the posts are more condensed and organized than on Facebook, which is often clogged with advertisements and only accessible to “friends.” A blog is accessible to anyone who can find it.

A word of caution

Keep in mind a blog is also accessible to the program staff and your child’s host family. A blog is not the place to air grievances or blow off steam. A staff person does monitor those blogs, and your child will be asked to take down any posts that may be seen as offensive or critical. My daughter’s friend changed host families after just two weeks; her post merely stated that she was glad that, –if they were going to ask her to leave - they had asked “sooner rather than later.” The host family saw the post, reported it, and she was asked to take it down.

We did send a paper journal with my daughter, but the intention was more for her to have a place to put her paper “souvenirs” (like movie theater tickets and concert programs) than for her to write down her experiences. She shared the other day that she regrets not blogging during this year, but she also questioned if she would have had the time anyway. You will notice many of the students start their blogs (with good intentions, I’m sure) during those first exciting weeks, and after a few posts, there is nothing.

At the very least, take some time to read a few of the more complete blogs from previous years with your child before he/she leaves and discuss the possibility of recording his/her experience on a blog. 

Program Options: Sister Cities and States

Sister State exchange programs

One frequently under-advertised option for high school study abroad is through sister city or sister state programs. Many cities and states across America have agreements with multiple cities and states in other countries for mutually beneficial exchange programs at all levels. Sometimes, delegations simply visit to promote tourism or cross-cultural understanding. Teachers visit and often teach at a sister school. Colleges have agreements pertaining to semester or year-abroad programs. High school students can experience short edu-tourism trips or extended study abroad opportunities. Since these extended study abroad opportunities are often one-to-one exchanges (your child lives with a family who then sends their child to your house) and supplemented through the sister cities (or states) program, the price for these experiences can be a real steal.

One such program I recently found out about is the Wisconsin-Hessen Exchange Program. Wisconsin and Hessen are sister states and offer many of the exchange possibilities listed previously. If your family lives in Wisconsin and your child has had some German language training (German II or higher), this option may be ideal.

The basics

The cost is $450 + airfare to Frankfurt. Students have to provide their own spending money, but the program provides a monthly allowance during their stay.

This program is a one-to-one exchange. A German student will live with your family from September through January. Your child will live with that German family from February through April. The website says that the “stay may be extended if all parties agree,” an option that is not available through most high school study abroad programs.

Students must be at least sophomores during the year of their exchange.

Your child will receive academic credit as determined by local school district policies.

The Department of Education in the sister states provides the staffing support.

The application process

The application is four pages (the shortest I have ever seen) and could probably be filled out in a few hours. No teacher recommendations are required, but your child will need signatures from a few school personnel, including his/her German teacher. Applications are due in mid-February of the year the exchange would start.

Students will be notified in April if they have been accepted.

Overall impression

The family I spoke with had a daughter participate in this program several years ago. After being accepted to the program, they had to travel to Madison, WI, for orientation with the other participants. The director of the program was helpful and accessible throughout the year. In their opinion, one of the strengths of the program is that the hosting family has a significant investment in the visiting child’s stay because their child will be staying with the other family. Their daughter and the German exchange “sister” became very close. She considers her host family to be her German “family” and stayed with them frequently when she studied in Germany again during college. 

Other states

Finding these types of programs requires a bit more digging than the highly publicized options. Start by searching your state’s Department of Public Instruction website for high school exchange programs.

Program option: AFS-USA

Program Options: AFS-USA

The majority of our family’s experience has been with RotaryYouth Exchange, NSLI-Y, and Youth For Understanding (YFU). A few other organizations dominate the high school exchange programming in America. Two of these programs are the Council on International Educational Exchange (CIEE) and AFS-USA. Since I don’t have personal experience as a mom with these organizations, I interviewed a mother whose daughter is in Austria through AFS-USA. She graciously answered my questions about her daughter’s experience with AFS-USA.

The Basics

AFS-USA is a non-profit organization formerly known as the American Field Service. They have been exchanging students internationally for over 70 years and offer programs in over 40 countries.

Program duration varies from 2 weeks to one year, including summer, one-semester, and one-year options.

The cost varies depending on the destination, but one year (2017-2018) is about $15,000, which includes airfare, placement with a host family, secondary medical insurance, and pre-departure orientation.

Airfare is from assigned “departure cities,” and families will need to cover the cost of transportation to that departure city.

Students live with a host family in most of the programs.

The Application Process

The application process differs greatly depending on if your child is applying for a scholarship or not. AFS-USA administers many generous scholarships, including the fully paid year in Germany through the Congress-Bundestag Youth Exchange (CBYX) in some regions of the USA. Application deadlines will be much earlier if your child is applying for these scholarships. Additionally, AFS-USA places students on a first-come, first-served basis. The earlier your child applies, the more likely he/she is to get his/her first choice destination.

According to the AFS-USA website, the application can take 2-3 weeks to fill out, but they also say your child could “plow through” in as little as 48 hours if super-motivated. The mother I spoke with recalled that her daughter had to provide her high school transcripts, write several essays, submit pictures, request two teacher recommendations, have a dental and physical exam (which included mental health screening), and complete an interview at home that included a home visit in which one parent must be present. They had to provide a secondary physical “sign-off” from her doctor a few weeks before leaving that stated there had been no changes to her physical or mental health.

Their Overall Impression

AFS-USA has a central office staffed professionally and local chapters staffed by volunteers. This mother found the program to be very organized and efficient. She felt they received helpful information in a timely manner. Compared to my daughter’s orientation with YFU, I was astounded at the amount of information they were given and how standardized the experience would be across all regional chapters of the organization. AFS-USA participants do not seem to be nearly as dependent on the quality of volunteers as we were with YFU. 

AFS-USA sent a pdf of the orientation booklet for both parents and participants. The staff used this booklet during their pre-departure orientation as a workbook and resource. During the pre-departure orientation, several presentations were made to families, and then parents and students divided for separate activities. Parents were given adequate time to ask questions, and they received quality, helpful information. Additionally, the daughter had to complete several online “Culture Trek training modules” before her departure date. Finally, she participated in a day and a half orientation in New York before flying to Austria.

This family has been less impressed with the level of support their daughter has received in Austria. There was some tension with the host family, and the daughter did not feel she could confide in the assigned liaison. Whereas we were not impressed by our local YFU organization, my daughter’s liaison in Germany has been supportive. This situation illustrates what I suspected before; you can’t predict your child’s experience based on the quality of your program’s local organization.

"Your daughter is doing WHAT?!"

I work in a career where traveling, living, and studying abroad is not just commonplace, it is expected. To my colleagues and the international students I work with at the university level, studying abroad as a young person is a reasonable and good choice.

That's why I am never quite sure how to respond when I get shocked reactions from acquaintances when I tell them where my daughter is this year. It usually goes something like this:

Acquaintance: "So, how is everyone?"
Me: "Great. My daughter is in Germany this year, and she just loves it."
Acquaintance: "A class trip . . . ?"
Me: "No. She is living and going to school there for her junior year."
Acquaintance: "What?! ____________________"

There are some options on the last line.  One option is, "don't you miss her?" Another option is, "Don't you worry about her?" There are a lot of questions about who she lives with, what she is doing there, and how this fits into her schooling. Then the conversation usually ends with, "I could never let my child do that."

I'm not sure what they are implying when they say that - - that I don't love my daughter as much as they love their child? that I'm somehow being careless with her well-being, health, or safety?

I have generally found the best response to be, "well, she is happy."

I had a pleasant surprise one day at work when I met a new student in a graduate program who shared that her second language was German. I was completely unprepared for her response when I told her that my 17-year-old daughter was in Germany; she said, "mine is in Austria." It was great to have another mother who understood what it is like to have a teenager studying abroad. I highly recommend having someone else who has been through this adventure and who you can talk to! It's great to get feedback and ideas about what works or doesn't work, and to have someone who understands what you are feeling.

Traveling while studying abroad

The organization that my daughter is studying through, Youth For Understanding (YFU), makes it very clear that a high school exchange experience should not be viewed as an extended tourist opportunity. Your child is studying abroad to learn a new culture and be part of a family. It is easy to find blogs from previous students who talk about the constant travel they did with their host families. However, your child should not go into this experience with the expectation that the host family will be playing tourist with them each weekend and during each break. They might; they might not.

YFU will sponsor a week-long, mid-trip orientation for all YFU students. If your child is a CBYX scholarship winner, there will be another trip toward the spring to Berlin. YFU or CBYX will pay for these trips. They are really the only additional trips your child is guaranteed. YFU will offer a variety of cultural trips for a cost. My daughter has not opted to participate in any of these trips because she feels they are out of her budget and she doesn't want to miss the amount of school they would require.

Additionally, YFU makes it (not unreasonably) difficult for your child to do any independent traveling. We (the natural parents) had to sign off on what kind of travel we were comfortable with our daughter doing. Then, your child has to be invited by an adult to wherever he/she wants to go. Once your child has an itinerary, the host family has to agree to the plan, and your child has to submit their travel plan to the local YFU representative for approval. It takes quite a bit of advance planning and organization on the part of your child.

With all that being said, it is possible for your child to travel independently if the perfect opportunity arises. My daughter's high school German class was going to be in Munich over her fall break, and she wanted to go see them. She followed all the steps required by YFU and received permission to go to Munich by train on a Friday night. She stayed with a friend of her YFU representative for sleeping, hung out with her high school friends on Saturday, toured Neuschwanstein Castle on Sunday, got back on the train, and was home by Monday morning. She was tired but thrilled with her experience and proud that she had managed all that on her own. It was a great learning experience for her.

The most important phrase to learn

As a parent, you are probably thinking that the most important phrase your child should absolutely know before leaving is something like "please" or maybe "do you speak English?" or "where is the bathroom?" I would argue that those are good phrases for tourists to learn, but that they are not the most important for an exchange student living with a host family. Before I tell you the phrase I think is most critical, I will share two stories that form the basis of my opinion.

My first story is from my experience in Peru as a 17-year-old. On the second day I was with my host family, I came down before dinner and saw that the table was not set even though the plates, cups, and silverware were out on the counter top. Wanting to be helpful, I set the table as I would have if I had been with my American family. My host mother patiently took everything off the table and served each person individually from the stove.

Fast forward 25 years - - On one of my daughter's first days with her permanent host family, she went to the kitchen before dinner. She wasn't sure what needed to be done, so she thought she would watch for a minute to figure out what she could do. Her host mom became upset because she felt that my daughter was waiting to be served.

On the surface, these two situations seem different - - I did the wrong thing, and my daughter didn't do anything. However, what they have in common is that they both could have been avoided by our asking, "how can I help?" In the interest of fitting in with the host family, I highly recommend your child learn this phrase before leaving.

Language learning: proficient . . . or not

I was an adventurous teenager. Compared to my peers in small-town Wisconsin in the late 1980's, I was downright trailblazing. I lived for a summer in Peru at the age of 17, and I studied abroad for a semester in Spain at the age of 20 (finishing up the experience by backpacking across 7 countries in Europe before going home).

Do you notice what these two experiences have in common? Both of these countries that I lived in are primarily Spanish-speaking countries. Not coincidentally, Spanish is the one language I had studied in high school and college. I'm not sure I would have been brave enough to live for a year in any country where I hadn't previously had some exposure to the language.

Today, programs that travel to Spanish-speaking countries are extremely popular because Spanish is still the #1 second language studied in the USA. Everyone wants to go to a Spanish-speaking country. We were warned by the Rotary Youth Exchange that getting a placement in a Spanish-speaking country is difficult since it is highly competitive. If your child is considering traveling with YFU or another organization, they are almost assured a spot but the scholarship options are not as attractive. If your child really wants to go abroad and needs a scholarship, he/she may need to consider a less "popular" country and learn the language from the beginning.

I have huge amounts of respect for the teenagers who go to a country with a language they have never studied before. We spoke to one young lady who had been to Bulgaria for a year. She lived with a family and went to school . . . all in Bulgarian. She had never studied Bulgarian before. We were told over and over by students, "It was easy! People are so nice and patient. Don't worry; you will be speaking the language by Christmas."

I think memories of the first difficult months get fuzzy once students return home. My daughter had studied German for 3 years in high school, and she struggled in the beginning with the language. Native speakers speak more quickly, and the vocabulary is much more extensive, than in the typical American foreign language classroom.

In retrospect, I think we could have prepared her more for the language barrier as there are some options, ranging from free to expensive, that could have given her a more realistic expectation of the language demands.

$ Free options for learning another language

Your child can use the internet. For beginners, Duolingo is one website that has lessons in 21 different languages. For students who have had a few years of language instruction in an American classroom, I recommend looking for TV shows or videos posted on Youtube in the target language. Watching these videos will give them a more realistic idea of what to expect.

$$ Inexpensive options for learning another language

Babbel is a website that offers free introductory lessons and then charges for full access to the course. Online reviews for Babbel are not good as many reviewers claimed that the introductory lesson was great, but the content they paid for was just glorified flashcards. The Rosetta Stone is another online resource that offers free introductory lessons in 30 language and then the opportunity to purchase full access to the course. YFU offered a special price on a Rosetta Stone package to their students in the months before they left. Reviews on Rosetta stone are mixed. Some people felt like they learned a lot; some students went through the whole course and felt like they learned how to use the Rosetta Stone - - not another language.

$$ More expensive options for learning another language

The one option that I wish we had taken advantage of is the Concordia Language Villages (CLV) near Bemidji, Minnesota. They provide full immersion summer camp sessions in 15 different languages. CLV have been doing language immersion since 1961 and have hosted the children of many famous people (Chelsea Clinton for example). Staff are fluent in the target language and trained to work with beginning campers all the way to fluent campers. Campers come from all over the USA, so staff can assist you with transportation to Bemidji (whether by plane, bus, or car). Scholarships exist; some language scholarships are more competitive than others. I think if my daughter had attended one week at the German CLV, her confidence in her language proficiency would have been more grounded in reality.

Cultural adjustment stage #4 (and #5?)

When I studied about cultural adjustment, I had always learned that there were five stages: honeymoon, hostility, humor, #4, and home. Twenty years later, I wish I could recall what that fourth stage was labeled because it no longer shows up in most information about cultural adjustment. Now, most resources list the fourth stage as "home," or "adaptation and biculturalism."

With only four stages of cultural adjustment, the progression looks like this:

The final stage is one of adaptation or mastery, where the new culture feels like "home." Your child can see and accept the good and bad of the new culture, feels comfortable functioning on a daily basis, and has a deeper understanding of the people and culture. The time it takes to move to each level depends on the person and other circumstances, but each stage is generally experienced by students studying abroad regardless of the length of time they are there (assuming it is more than a few week "tour"). I went through all of these stages in 6 weeks in Peru as a 17-year-old and then again as a 20-year-old in Spain for 5 months. Of course, the "mastery" looked a little different in Peru than it did in Spain, but I remember experiencing all of those stages.

When you consider the possibility of 5 stages, the progression looks like this:

Notice that second dip down? After feeling the adjustment and confidence of the 3rd stage, some students are taken by surprise when they experience the frustration of another "mini-culture shock." If this is your child, you might be thinking, "here we go again. I thought she was all adjusted!" It would not be unusual for this stage to hit after the holidays (or during the holidays if your child is in a country that doesn't celebrate during that time). About mid-trip, your child might feel that the experience is getting long, that the return home seems far off in the future, and that deeper cultural understanding is hard.

The answer to this stage is not for you to get on a plane and fly over there! The answer is the same as the first level of culture shock. Encourage your child to keep interacting, get/stay involved, get enough sleep, eat well, and communicate with his/her host family. Eventually, your child will experience that final stage of "home."

Cultural adjustment stage #3 and host family #3

The third stage of cultural adjustment is often referred to as the "adjustment" stage. Some sources call it the "humor" stage. This is when your child begins to feel competent in the new culture; he/she begins to see the humor in situations and begins to understand the logic of the new culture.

While not as much fun as the first "honeymoon" stage, it is much less intense and much more realistic. I felt like my daughter was living in Germany now instead of just playing tourist. She had settled in with a host family that she could relate to and ask questions of. She was still struggling with the language, but she felt hope that she would get it eventually.

There are still ups and downs during this stage, but they are usually not so intense. It is a time when your child can actually begin to assimilate new ideas and test old ones. This stage is the stage that tourists rarely get to. Your child is becoming a true global citizen.

Switching host families

Before my daughter left, I can remember thinking, "I just hope she gets a host family who she gets along with. Switching host families would be awful." Well, her first permanent host family was not a good placement. They didn't get a along, and she did have to switch. . . and everyone survived.

How do you know when your child should switch host families?

This question is difficult to answer because, of course,  some awkwardness during the initial adjustment period is to be expected, and that certainly is no reason to request a new host family. During the YFU orientation, the students were told to try to work issues out with their host families by communicating. If that did not work, they should call their area YFU representative and ask for help. Under no circumstances should they just move out and go live with a friend (or so they were told).

I don't 100% agree with that advice. If my child felt she were in danger, I would advise her to walk out of the house with her passport, some money, and her phone and go directly to a friend or neighbor's house. Thankfully, being in physical danger is not generally the reason your child would need a new host family.

Usually, it is something that happens gradually. The uncomfortable feeling doesn't go away after the first few weeks. There is palpable tension. Maybe words are exchanged. If the local YFU representative was called in, and the problems are still there, it is quite likely that the host family is going to initiate the change. If they do not, your child should continue to communicate with the YFU representative, including his/her desire to switch host families.

Is there anything the American parents can do during this time?

I won't lie - -this is a rough stage to get your child through. My daughter called on Skype in tears. She said she was going to have to move. Since she had mentioned this fear several times, I asked her why she thought it was true this time. She said that her host dad had told her that they had already called YFU and requested that she be switched.

As an aside -- during this whole process, YFU never once contacted my daughter or us. We had no idea what was going on - - Were they going to switch her? Would they try to find a family in the same area? What was the timeline? Her local representative was on vacation at the time, but (in my mind, at least) that was no reason to leave a 17-year-old in the dark about what was happening.

During the Skype call, I used the 1-800 number of the YFU American parent representative to try to get some details and also to ask if she could recruit her own host family from among her friends. She loved her German school, had met several nice friends, and had joined some clubs. She really wanted to stay in the area. The parent representative said that my daughter could recruit a new host family, but that YFU would make the final decision. Within a short time, she had 2 families volunteer; YFU chose one. They allowed her to "spend the night" with the new host family until the paperwork went through, which eliminated some of the awkwardness of remaining in the house with the first host family.

My daughter has had several friends from her original orientation group who needed to switch host families. Each experience was very different. The most recent one recruited 4 families willing to take her, but the original host family wanted her out of the region, so she was not allowed to stay.

It's easy to find glowing reports of exchange students who were treated like family the minute they stepped in the door of their new home. You and your child should acknowledge that it doesn't always happen that way. If you don't think your child can handle the above scenarios, you should reconsider whether your child is ready for a long independent experience abroad.

In conclusion, it was not all bad. My daughter said to me, "I never realized how reasonable you and dad are." Frankly, I never expected to hear those words from my teenage daughter. Also, she still loved Germany and being in Germany. There was never a point where she said, "just let me come home!"

Cultural adjustment stage #2 and host family #2

My daughter took the train from Bremen to her permanent placement, and her new host family met her at the train station.

It is unfortunate that the timing of her arrival with her permanent host family coincided with the second cultural adjustment stage: culture shock (also referred to as "hostility"). This stage is when the person tends to focus on the differences and problems in the new culture. Her new host family did not speak much English, and (for a variety of reasons) my daughter had a hard time adjusting to her new family.

I will not go into the details because I only know my daughter's side of the story, and it would not be fair to her host family. After a month, by mutual agreement, my daughter moved to host family #3.

As a parent, stage 2 is difficult to watch your child go through (not nearly as much fun as stage 1!). In my daughter's case, it was even worse because of the host family situation. You need to be supportive of your child, but talking with him/her every day is not a good solution to getting through this stage. Princeton has compiled some excellent strategies for coping with culture shock (on the second page). You should be encouraging your child to get out of his/her room, interact with the host family, join a club, get exercise, find the humor in the situation, get enough sleep, and eat well. I remember telling my daughter to go to sleep and that everything would be better in the morning, and it was.

Supporting your child through the transition to a new host family is something different altogether. . .

Cultural adjustment stage #1 and host family #1

My daughter's language camp/orientation was in Bremen, Germany, with 9 other YFU students of similar German proficiency. Each student lived with a different host family in the Bremen area. They attended German classes together and went on a variety of outings designed to increase their confidence with the German language and their awareness of German culture.

This time period coincided with the typical first stage of cultural adjustment: the honeymoon period. She loved everything about her time in Bremen. She loved Germany, her host family, the food, the other YFU students, the German students, school lunches, her classes, the outings, biking to school, the toothbrushes, the beds, and the independence. We definitely got the impression that "everything is better in Germany." She talked about never coming home.

We did know who her temporary host family was before she left for Germany, and we had Skyped with them before she left. They both spoke English very well and had lived in America some years ago. One of their children had been born here. They made Rachel feel at home and provided an excellent transition to her time in Germany.

As the American parent at home, you should relax and enjoy this time. Don't worry if your child is not calling or writing often. That is probably a good thing. After language camp and orientation (about 3 weeks), the students moved to their permanent placements all over Germany.

The second stage of cultural adjustment was looming . . .